things change in a blink of an eye.

Well, last time we chitchated, I talked about how I had a new boyfriend and how things were going good; but things have already changed and I broke up with him. He was like a stage 5 clinger! People keep telling me that I'm so mean for breaking up with him but I just couldn't deal with him anymore. He is so well liked by a ton of people so breaking up with him was kind of hard but I can't force feelings that really aren't there like I thought they were. It all started a couple weeks ago when we were arguing about hanging out. I work every single day out of the week so I don't necessarily have time to always go talk to him or to see him thoughout the week. But last Friday, I told him I just wanted to hangout with my friends for one weekend. Alone. Yeah, ONE weekend, that's all. But goodness, he wasn't for that. He said it was "bogus of me" to want to see my other friends and not go see him at all since I hadn't seen him all week long. Personally, I didn't think it was that big of a deal so I just ignored all his texts and phone calls. After awhile, I felt a littttttle bad for ignoring him the whole night so I finally called him and told him what I was doing. Which was hanging out with my best friends. Suzanna and Kira. Of course, he was mad and didn't understand why we could all just hangout since Suzanna is dating one of his best friends anyways; I just didnt want to. Anyways, since I had to work in the morning, I was just going to go home and sleep. He was soo mad at me. But oh well, it was a bit ridiculous that he felt he had to see me everyyyy weekend! So later on, we started a new week (which was last week) and again, I worked every day so I didnt have time to go see him. Along came the weekend and I had my grandpa's wedding to go to (yeah, a 67 year old man getting remarried...puke) but my family and I went to the wedding and to the reception afterwards and tried to be as nice as we could be. Later on that night, I left and took my brother to his friends house and I wasn't about to go back to that reception so I called my bff, Suzanna and asked her what she was doing and she told me she was going to a movie with Matt. She invited me to come along and to invite my boyfriend but I did not want to do that. I dont know why, I just didnt want to half to be around my boyfriend. So I didnt go.....but I may have made a bad decision; because I went to another guy's house. Once I got there, I texted my "boyfriend" and told him that I was at Dylan's house hanging out and I asked if that was a big deal to him. He didnt want to start another fight with me, so he just said "no I dont care." I sent back "thanks." and that was the end of that converstation until about two hours later when I got a text that he was getting calls from his ex girlfriend (who was dating Dylan's brother) saying I was "messing around with Dylan upstairs and he shouldn't trust me." ohhh boy, I was so mad that once I left there, I texted her and we got into an argument. It wasn't good. Kind of funny, but not good. So.... I went home around midnight and went to bed. Come Sunday morning, I have at least 9 messages on my phone from my boyfriend asking why I went to see Dylan instead of him last night and he just didnt understand what was going on. I replied with, "I need a break from this. You keep freaking out about everything I do and I dont need to hear about it. Its my senior year and I dont want to be tied down with you right now." Andddd he freaked out of course but I got my problem solved by ending it. I hate relationships and I dont know why I put myself in the situation where I end up getting into one. I am doneeee doing that! :) 

why do things have to be so hard.

Sitting here on my bed thinking about what to write about is harder than I expected. It's hard when you have something to say but yet dont know how to say it. I currently now have a new boyfriend... I have been talking with this guy for about a month now and we are finally dating now and I am happy about it but at the same time I dont know if I was really ready for all this. I dated a guy all summer long and I have had a thing with him since my freshman year. This past summer when we started dating, we were together almost everyday. We went so many places together and did so many fun things. But once summer was over and were about to start school again, he freaked out and we broke up. There wasnt ever really a closer period in all this and being with someone else makes me think I am over him but when I am just sitting here on my bed and I get a text from him, it makes me wonder what else could have been. I know that I shouldn't go back to him but it is soo hard to just sit here and wonder what the real reasons were. I hate being confused and that is all I am now.
...I don't know what to do.

so close......sometimes things end so better things can come along.

I have realized that life goes by so fast. You start out thinking you have the best of plans for when you grow but but its crazy how quickly things can change. My freshman year, I got super close with a girl that I never really thought I would have been friends with. Turns out we became inseperable. She knows everything about me, all my secrets. We spent every single day of summer together, went on college visits together, looked for apartments, and when we got into fights with our parents, we also had each other to turn to. I trust her with everything. But as high school has gone on, we continued to stay close until this year. Granted, we are still close but not like we were. We both have two jobs, go to school, we don't have any classes together, and even though we share a locker I hardly see her. She has started drinking a lot lately too and I'm just not into that very much so we are drifting apart. But this wasn't all bad because I now have a new best friend. It's crazy how I develop relationships with people whom I never expected. Just goes to show, life always plays tricks and it never goes as expected. I guess why they say live in the moment not the past nor the future.

somewhere with you.

"If you're going out with someone new, then I'm goin out with someone too".... it's the line that says it all. He told her best friend that the feelings he had for her were different. He said he had never cared about anyone more than what he cared for her. Therefore, this song was dedicated to her. Saying how if she was going to move on to someone else he was too. He found it pointless to continue to fight for her to be with him because she didn't wanna be fought for. She was happy with someone else. But when she was with her new man she still continued to think about him. They had been together on and off for five years. Everyone she dated in between them always ended quickly because she compared them to him. He was the one she needed, one she loved. He was always there for her, always by her side. Never let her just walk away from a fight they had. He always came running after her, making sure she was ok, making sure she wasn't hurting because of him. Whether it was raining, sunny, or even snowing so bad that it took him an hour to get to Sterling from Morrison, he always made time to come see her. She went to every wrestling meet that she could make. Even took off work to go watch him when he needed some support. His family excepted her. They took her places if she needed help getting there, took her out to dinner with them, always had her over for holidays. It's sad looking back at the long times they had spent together, all the years they talked, even remembering all the fights they went through and how well they managed to work everything out. He was wonderful to her and she threw it all away. She thought she found someone better. Turns out, he was nothing but a piece of shit. She would sit at home and wait for him to come over. Although, he was hooking up with other girls behind her back, having girls send him naked pictures of themselves, going out and getting drunk with a bunch of people after he left her house. He was such a sloppy drunk. He was the kind of guy who would sleep with any girl that was at the party but yet not remember it in the morning. But he was a great liar, wonderful and hiding things. She never knew and she didnt believe anyone who told her that he was doing this behind her back. It got to the point where her mom found out about it and she had to sit her daughter down and tell her how she doesnt deserve any of the bull shit that he was putting her through. But she never believed that he would do such a thing to her. He sweet talked her to the point where she was wrapped around his finger. Continued to do everything for him. Finally, almost 3 months after everyone had been telling her that he was doing all this dating behind her back, a girl from outta town came to sterling and showed me her belly. She was 5 months pregnant with my boyfriends child.

Now, when I listen to this song, "Somewhere With You," all I wanna do is say Sorry to my ex-boyfriend from Morrison and I wish I could take back ending things for good. I wish I would have listened to everyoneee that warned me. But I have realized, the people that truly care about you tell you the truth not to hurt you but to help you.

homecoming week.

Well, as you know... this past week was Homecoming week for Sterling High School. It was the longest week of my life. Being in charge of everything that went on this week was a lot of stress. The Friday before last was our first Pre- Homecoming assembly and I thought it went really well. Although I was nervous about speaking in front of the whole school, it turned out pretty good. The following Monday which was the start of this week, was the Monday of Homecoming week. The first dress day was class color day. Freshman were suppose to wear brown, Sophomores were suppose to wear orange, Juniors wore gold and SENIORS wore blue!! The next day, Tuesday, was Tacky Tourist day. That was a blast... it was so funny! Wednesday, was the best day we have had in the past 4 years that I have been in high school. Opposite Gender Day! We had so many people participate, it was the best. Thursday was favorite holiday and not many people did this day but it was still fun! Finally, Friday was spirit day and that was fun too. Quite a few people had participated in this day and actually dressed up. So i would have to say that throughout this week it was pretty fun. I was so stressed though because of all the planning and decorating. I made about 210 name tags on my own. It took forever but I got it done, thank goodness. I was happy when Saturday came around and Homecoming was actually here. The dance was super fun but cleaning up Sunday kind of sucked. It didnt expect it to take as long as it did but thank gosh, its over!!!

maybe tomorrow.

They said it was the best days of our lives. High school was a time when we had little responsibility and nothing but time on our side. Summer nights were spent down at the lake, hanging with friends, listening to music, and thanking God our parents never knew. The flames of the bonfire were war, and comforting. As he held me in his arms, I would pray that time would still stand. There was so much love and laughter everywhere. Life was good, there were jobs, and there was no war. The only war we knew was the war within our selves, who to love and who to trust. It was the hardest think I've ever lived through. As I grew, I grew stronger and better. I learned to not take everything for granted, tomorrow was never a guarantee. As life went on, there were new friends, marriages, divorces, and deaths. The worst part was not knowing what experiences he had gone through. Maybe tomorrow he will knock on my door. Where is my brother??

my future.

This past week I started my job shadow at the hospital in the OB departmet. I have gotten to see so many babies this past week. My very first day was slow but towards the end of the week we started getting busy. Yesterday, this department was so busy. There were many c-sections in the morning and by the time we were leaving there were at least 3 woman in labor. It was exciting but it was a bummer too because we were gone by the time the babies were being born. It was funny because I knew most all of the people that were their having their babies! Later on in the time I was there though, we got to watch how to give a bath to a new born and then we got to give the second baby girl a bath on our own. The baby was so cute! I decided to take this internship because I want to be a nurse in the OB department after college. Hopefully things work out because there are so many exciting things at the hospital.

she saw the angel.

Have you ever just sat around and thought about things? Random things... such as how fast your heart could stop beating, how could be dead in a split second, or what about when you look at someone and you think they are okay but inside they are dying? Probably not. I know i never really thought about it until one night at work and I was taking care of a lady that had been a resident there for quite some time. She was 93 years old and she looked as healthy as could be. Of course this was just from her apperance. I never would have guessed that her body was covered and filled with cancer. Cancer that was killing her every minute. During the night that I was working, one of the other aides and I were getting this sweet woman dressed for super that was being served in 20 minutes. As we were walking into her room, we were making comments towards her about how nice she looked in her new outfit and how nice she smelled after she shower...she kept saying she was seeing angels, as Jody said, we thought she was talking about us ( the cna's). She always referred to us as angel's. But I never thought that after dinner she would have died. Just like that. One blink and she was gone. We had taken her back to her room once she got done eating and laid her down in bed. She asked for some water and as I walked out of her room to get her some water, she took her last breath. Walking out of her room, not knowing that was going to be the last thing I said to her stunned me. I left, went and got water, came back in the room, said her name and she was unresponsive. I yelled loudly for the nurse...she came running. It was too late. After giving CPR and trying to bring her back, she was gone. She was right though, she had seen angel's earlier that afternoon, real ones. R.I.P darling...we all love and miss you at the nursing home.